Wave Fear Blues and Children...

Since today is our little boy's third brithday and I've posed this question before, I thought I'd write a prgress repost and ask for some more advice about this topic.

Tommy is (for a three year old) very 'interested' in daddy's lifestyle (habit) of seeking out waves. He watches my surf vids constantly and will choose them as a second only to 'Thomas the Train' or 'Barney' (I'd like to 'kill' that purple dino, that's another story...)

Our little guy has developed a phobia about waves. I have in no way 'forced' him into the water or waves. I've tried to be gentle about getting him into the water. I've towed him around on boogie boards, and tried to get him used to very, very small whitewater. I've also held him in my arms and walked into some knee high surf a few times. This results in a complete panic for him. He is OK in a pool at the shallow end. The difference seems to be the waves and the sound of the waves.

One problem initially was that because of recurring ear infections Tommy was not allowed to put his head under the water. So he hasn't had time to get used to the water at all.

I've been to lots and lots of surfing places and I've seen little children at three happily jumping into small waves with their parents, no fear at all. What did they do right that we haven't?

Am I being impatient??

When he sings 'Surfin' USA' with the Moondoggie doll, I always gently remind him that he must love and respect ocean waves to surf. He screams 'No!' I know he's only three, but I've got two more 'on the way' and I don't want to repeat failed strategies...

<<One problem initially was that because of recurring ear infections Tommy was not allowed to put his head under the water. So he hasn't had time to get used to the water at all.>>

That might be it. Maybe just leave him alone and he'll get used to it at his own pace and want more.

Bingo! You hauled him into something bigger than him that was crashing over and he was afraid you might drop him. Look at it from his perspective- that is, about the height of your kneecap. Giant walls of water coming at him, crashing over and tremendous thrashing around.

Yep. Relax and let him do it at his own pace, in his own way. I mean, you're surfing the Great Goddamned Lakes in winter, ok? Not everybody is quite that (fill in the blank) . Ease up.

Tranquilo, ya know? He'll find his own way just fine.

Ok..... now, look what ya just said. You want your kids to like the sea and surf and all that....and you're doing a strategy thing on it? The idea is they like it and have fun with it. This ain't a race or something. You push them and drive them and they are gonna hate it. Ease up, have fun with them on their terms.

Doc.... 'stay away from the shore' is what I got told..... and look how that turned out .......

Yes. He's three.

I taught swimming lessons for years to supplement my tremendous lifeguarding income. One thing I learned is that kids come to grips with their fear (or lack of fear) of water at different times.

You're gonna' know this guy for a long time, let him sort it out when he's ready. You'll be stoked when he does.

Yep,

My nephew (whom lived with us for a while) was scared of waves when he was 3-4 years old (shin high to me is chest high), last summer he went out with me on a boogie board and I expect the same this summer. Have you ever known a child who doesn't like the water? Give the little dude some time, before you know it he will be swimming in the lake and playing in the waves.

Craig wrote

snip

I think so, Craig. I've seen kids absolutely fearless at age 4 be afraid of the water at age 10 after one dunking. Kids at that age aren't quite aware of concepts like gravity, the need to breathe air, etc.

My daughter at that age was terrified of balloons that were deflated. Not full ones, not ones that hadn't yet been inflated, but ones that gradually shrunk. Absolute stark terror. . Most kids' fears at that age are unreasonable, even if it coincidently could be a reasonable thing to be afraid of. I've seen kids try and perch themselves off the rail at the GG bridge. The parents FREAK of course, but then the kid will stop and won't walk any farther if a seagull is in the path.

I think it's very astute of you to realize that some of the fear comes from the sound of the waves, kids at that age are cueed into sounds.

I taught my kids to swim starting at 3-4. I had to re-teach it pretty much each year. The most critical part of swimming is getting their eyes open under water, after that the rest goes pretty good depending on the kids personality and ability.

My kids are 13/11. This summer when they get in the ocean for the firrst time in maybe 8 months, I will let them just play in the soup, tumble around and not encourage them to get out and catch anything - leave it up to them. They will have been open water lake swimming a lot by then, and some sailboarding and water polo, but the ocean's a new thing. Second day there we will swim around the lifeguard bouy, at the end of the Newport Pier, by then the fear dissipates and they'll be out in as big as 3-4. A lot of people who are otherwise good swimmers will panic in open water, waves or no waves, that is something that has to be trained out of you a bit.

I always laugh when someone asks how deep the water is. 'It's deeper than you are tall' is my answer. 'no really, now deep?'

60 feet.

'Oh that's too deep for me.' LOL. What difference if you can swim if it's 12 ft or 3000 ft? What diff if you CAN'T swim?

Again, just one of those

One fun game I played with them in the surf when they were small was driftwood. Lay on the sand and try to keep your arms at your side and let the surf that comes in roll you around. Do it for a while and see where you end up. We had a blast and it gets them oriented to tumbling around and being relaxed with it. I think that's a good frirst step before the tow-in boogie board thrills, as they won't run back to the sand the first time they fall off the board.

Don't be bummed, Craig, it's all good stuff, keep it slow and cool

That sounds like problem #1. He's still sorting out an activity that used to be very negative.

Nothing. It will come with time.

Yes. Take a deep breath. he's only 3. He'll get where he's going at his own pace. You did. I did.

There's the real problem. It's the 'terrible twos'. He's finding his path, and he thinks that has to find it without you. It's all quite natural.

Remember: this, too, will pass. Think of that as wisdom for the ages.

It's not a failed strategy. Every kid is different. I raised 5. You'd never know that they had anything in common. Come to think of it......

Of those 5, two surf, but without passion. It's just another thing they do, once in a while, and usually only to humor me. Where did I go wrong? At that age, you couldn't keep me out of the water.

Hints: 1. Be patient. 2. Be a good example. 3. Keep the stoke. 4. Love your kids, no matter what they do or what they become. Even if they turn out like opc.

Except for #1, you're already doing those things.

Now go hug Tommy.

At the shallow end of the pool he is in control, that is a more important difference IMHO.

Learning to love and feel comfortable in water is a key. I don't know how it happened but I was swimming underwater with enjoyment the first time I can remember getting into a pool.

As a former swimming instructor, I now the importance of feeling comfortable with ones face underwater.

You might consider just allowing playing at the waters edge for now.

I appreciate everyone's suggestions and input. It is pretty apparent that:

a) I am being impatient with wanting to quickly 'share' my love for the water and waves with my little boy;

and

b) I should not have a 'strategy' for this, it will happen, (or won't).

I am also a former swimming instructor but I have little experience with small children. My parent's just threw me in the water or dragged me into the waves and (over time) I adapted because during those times, parents were a lot less hesitant about 'forcing' kids to try new things than now. What they did worked. I don't want to be like that with our kid, however. 'You will LEARN to love it' can terrorize a kid and cause nightmares.

I just don't remember ever fearing (different than respect)the water. I've loved it as long as I can remember. The beach was always my favorite place in the entire world. The only 'strategy' I ever had was wanting to share that feeling, and that probably wasn't the best way to put it.

So I will continue taking Tommy to the public pool and slowly coax him to enjoy swimming more. When we live near a more surfable environ, I imagine peer pressure, as much as anything else will encourage him to get wet.

So 'hands off'! And today I will take Tommy to see 'Shrek' instead of going swimming (again). Thanks! Craig PS A waist high wave is well overhead to a two year old!

<<PS A waist high wave is well overhead to a two year old!>>

Make that just about or more than double OH!

When I was little, I remember endless splashing around in the shore dribble..what would be my waist high or less at the time. Lots of putting my hands on the sand (in very shallow water) and kicking and pretending I was swimming.

says...

And to spongers.